AP/Reuters/NY Times News Service/Washington Post New Service/etc., etc.
SOMEWHERE IN SPACE-TIME - A massive explosion rocked the Universe earlier today. Gaseous matter, carried by intense shock waves, promptly began moving outward from the source of the explosion, quickly reaching the speed of light. This unparalleled phenomenon threatens to fill the void with mysterious and probably poisonous pollutants. Experts say that in a matter of days the Universe will be transformed unless the government takes immediate steps to locate those responsible for the explosion and negotiate a peaceful settlement of their grievances. A clamp-down on Big Bang emissions is also being considered.